We love a lot of things, a lot of people. But do we love ourselves?
We love, deeply and fiercely. We share our love willingly, strongly. Or maybe we love someone or something but hold that close to our chests, we love in secret. But what about self- love. Sure, we take time for “self-care” but do we love ourselves? Do we trust our gut? Do we honor that feeling we get when we know something is right, or wrong?
I’ve been seeing various self-care routines for a while. Every Instagram influencer at one point or another has shared their self-care routine. Commercials have been shouting “love yourself” while they tell you to buy something else you probably don’t need for decades. People, women especially, have been trying to master this “self-care” world for a while. And now, most of us are cooped up. We’re still working, still caring for others around us, We’re stressed and we’re often told to relax, to take a “me” day. So we try a new homemade “moisturizing” face mask recipe, we paint our nails. We try baking banana bread with almond flour because that’s all the store had. We read because we remember that once brought us some joy. We buy a new scented candle. We then remember that we have to switch over the laundry or we realize we haven’t gotten a work out in, we feel guilty and can’t seem to relax. And the cycle continues.
The reason standard self-care routines might not work for you is because it might not be aligned with what brings you joy. For example, clay masks are not calming for me. I have very sensitive skin and if I use one, homemade or purchased from a salon, the whole time I’m using it, I’m thinking “Oh man, this doesn’t feel right. Will this make my skin break out?” and often because of that stress, or because of the ingredients in said mask, my skin soon breaks out. And the cycle continues.
For me, self- care looks like cooking a healthy and delicious meal. I love to cook, and I’m good at it. I love being able to eat something and know exactly what’s in it.
Another form of my self- care is getting outside. Sometimes this looks like a walk in the woods or going to the beach and just sitting on a towel for a while.
If you don’t like being outside or cooking isn’t fun for you, don’t follow my self-care routines. Just as I’ve learned that if I want to relax, my time is better spent reading or journaling than applying a new set of nail polish.
There is a difference between self- maintenance, self- care and self- love. And each of these are different for different people.
Loving yourself is not just feeling comfortable in a new pair of jeans. Loving yourself isn’t just feeling good and taking a selfie (although if either of those feel good for you, great). You might like the picture, but do you love the woman behind the camera?
What about trust? Do you trust yourself? For me, love and trust go hand in hand. I know how to love myself, but this love has developed over years of learning to trust my gut.
You may have been in a situation where your gut said “get out of here” or “this isn’t right.” Whether you listened to that feeling at that time is, of course, dependent on your situation. But I hope you learned to listen.
For me, any time I listened to my intuition, anytime I acted in alignment with what my gut was telling me to do, anytime I trusted myself, I came to be in a better situation because of it. Anytime I preformed on stage (I danced all through middle school and high school and did some theater growing up), the butterflies in my stomach said “you know what to do.” The first job that I loved, came from my gut telling me to just go to the interview, just go to the training, “it could be a good thing” – turned out to be an amazing opportunity. Once, my sister called and asked if I wanted to go on a trip with her. I looked into flights – they were extremely cheap for where we were going, I took that as a sign and even though my brain questioned how I’d be able to make it work, would I be able to move my schedule around etc, my gut said “do it.” And as soon as we booked the flight, just a few moments later, I knew I’d made the right decision.
On the flip side of the positive intuition, I’ve also had some experiences that, looking back, were quite scary, and I often wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t listened to my gut. What would have happened if I had had one more drink with the bearded guy in Worcester that February night? Would I have continued to go home with him despite all the signs that his intentions were not good? What would have happened that time I was in a foreign country and three “security guards” approached me to ask me some questions and I hadn’t come up with an excuse to leave? (I’d said my friend was waiting for me back in the hotel. I was suspicious when they approached me, moments after my three male friends had gone back to the hotel bar and had just turned out of sight). In each situation, something felt off. In each situation, I paid attention to the signs. I listened when my gut said “this guy is bad news.” I listened when my gut said “get out of here, go back to the hotel” when I noticed that the security guards had no distinct logo or official memorabilia affirming their security guard claim. The fact that in each of these situations, I was suddenly alone, with someone I didn’t know and could only listen to my gut, I had no choice but to listen. And just a few minutes removed from each situation, I knew I’d made the right decision to leave.
Of course, trusting yourself doesn’t come from listening to your gut in these situations only (and I hope that you, dear reader, are never in these exact scenarios). But if you are ever in a situation when you’re leaving a bar with a guy you don’t know, your gut intervenes. Or if you are in a foreign country and three strange men approach you, you listen to your gut. I also hope that when your gut says “time for a change” or “you got this!” you listen.
Self love is being introspective and learning what you need. Self love is honoring that intuition you’ve consciously (and sub-consciously) developed. Of course, you can still practice self-care (make all the face masks and banana bread your heart desires), but I hope that you know that it’s more than that. It’s more than cooking a delicious meal or taking a cute selfie.
Self love is tuning in. Self love is honoring yourself, listening to your gut. Self love is knowing that you’re gut has something important to say.
Erin A Clark 