Words

When will I learn that what I say matters?

When will we learn that our words are heard?

What I think, then say out loud, often comes to fruition.

I haven’t felt like myself lately. Normally, I’m overly optimistic. I’m the “positive vibes” only friend and have chastised my friends when they speak ill of themselves and I often catch negative thoughts before they become repeated mantras. But I’ve noticed that lately, my thoughts haven’t been positive or productive. In fact, they’re down right depressing. Every time I think or say “this really sucks” or “Oh my god! what else can happen this year?!” my questions are answered with more unfamiliar, sad, frustrating situations.

I need to be careful with my wishes, my words and my actions.

What I speak is realized faster than I know sometimes. I’ve wished for what I don’t want and whenever I ask “what else?!” I can hear a laughter in the clouds. Sometimes it’s a small chuckle and what I receive is a prank, a funny joke (an unexpected bill or a poison ivy-like rash sending me into an itchy fit and causing more sleepless nights).

But sometimes the laugh is maniacal and sends a chill to my very core, and what I receive is grief that comes in waves and flashes of pain.

My heart has already been smashed and shattered more times than I thought possible in such a short amount of time, and I’ve cried more days than I care to count. I’ve said “how much more can I take?” and been smacked with the worst possible news. The death of a friend, the change of a job, a car crash, and still more heartbreak when I look around. Political unrest, racial injustices, peaceful protests met with rubber bullets, tear gas and unidentified “officials” snatching civilians into the black of the night. I see other people crying and mourning their loss, mother’s crying “how much more can we take?” The laughter in the clouds turns into a hurricane and blows fires along the opposite coast.

I’ve now spent days in lazy haze. Basic tasks seem heavy and it’s difficult to find a touch of enjoyment doing things that used to make my day.

And I look around and know that I am not alone. I’m not the only 20-something with a newfound anxiety, searching for answers that I may never know. I’m not the only one who is seeing what’s happening across the country and is angry. I’m not the only one grieving, sad or stressed. The more I look around, the more I see that and unfortunately that adds to the already toxic thoughts and lethargic behavior. The cycle is vicious.

As a collective, we are grieving. As a collective body of people, we are saying “how much more can we take?!” and now it’s another month, another death, another tragedy disguised as a political scheme.

And everyone has a different grief, a different stress, but we’re all crying salty tears. We’re all asking why and screaming into the void. But I think we can feel the change. The ground is starting to shake, we’re bracing ourselves for something, anything new.

My words are slowly changing, our words our slowly changing. I wake up and make a list of 10 things for which I am grateful for that day. Then I try to move, connect with nature, call a positive friend. I’m trying to replace negative habits with positive, productive ones. Obviously this is easier said than done, but I can feel myself slipping and sometimes those few steps are all I have to be optimistic. I hear my Black friends saying how tired they are. And I made a promise months ago, that I would join the fight so they can rest. I will explain racism to white people who still don’t see what is going on, because that is not their job, that is their lived experience. But it is hard to keep a promise to someone else, when I’m not keeping promises to myself. I now promise to keep going. I promise to keep going even if I feel like i’m walking though three feet of snow in August. It might be slow, it might not make sense, but I will move forward. For my friends, for my community, for myself. I will no longer say what I don’t want. I will speak with intention. And if a thought comes to my mind that is not productive, I will acknowledge it, and think something else.

If you’re reading this, I encourage you to do the same. I know you’re tired. I know it seems like the world is falling apart, I know it’s hard. Trust me. But we have to speak with intention, we have to act with intention, otherwise nothing will change. And we deserve a change.

Our thoughts matter.

Our words matter.

Our actions matter.

Now is the time for us to think, speak and act with intention. For a positive change, for all.