It’s the last day of 2020. I made an effort today. I woke up, wrote in my journal while I sipped rich coffee. I made calls for work, went to the gym, nothing too exciting but exciting enough. I thought I wanted this year to be over. I thought I’d embrace the new year. I’ve said over and over how awful this year has been for me. But I also know that nothing will magically change at midnight tonight. The virus will not magically go away. The stress will not miraculously be lifted. It is not going to be “new year, new me” as I’ve said in years past, and I am perfectly fine with that.
As I’m scrolling through social media today, I’m seeing a lot of “good riddance 2020!” and “Here’s to 2021” resolutions, goals etc. All the stuff that I typically love.
I love goals. I love planning. I love dreaming. I love creating to do lists and vision boards.
But this New Year’s eve, for the first time in my memory, I’m not creating a resolution. I’m not setting numeric goals or planning. I’m not setting a specific sales goal. I’m not making a calendar with workouts I want to do or books I want to read. My goal for this new year is to take what i’ve learned from 2020 and actually apply it. Here are a few things I’ve learned:
Be patient. What’s meant for me will find me. This year, every single time I tried to rush something I wanted or tried to control something I had no business attempting to control, whatever it was that I wanted went further and further from my grasp. Over the last 2 months especially, I’ve been practicing patience – especially with myself. Good things take time.
Just put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes literally. There were many days this year when I told myself “ok, good. now just…” Just get out of bed. Just walk for 10 minutes. Just drink some water. Far from the things I’m used to accomplishing. I won no major awards this year. I hit no financial goals. I lost weight, but not intentionally. Some days, my only focus, my only goal was getting through the day. And some days, this was fucking hard, and I’m just now admitting this.
It’s ok to be sad. I feel like I’m known for being the eternal optimist. I love hyping people up and have gotten very good at seeing the positive in various situations. But this year really tested that for me. Because I so strongly identified as a happy, optimistic person, when I was crushed by sadness this year, it was even harder to bounce back because I wasn’t allowing myself to really feel the emotion of sadness. I tried to mask the sadness, put on a happy face, only to be struck with more sadness later on. When my friend Kim died in April, I allowed myself to cry and mourne her tragic and sudden death for a few weeks. Then I found I was still sad months and months later and the emotion I felt then was frustration, because I was still not over it. The truth is, I don’t think it’s something I’ll ever be over. I will always miss her, I will think of her often -sometimes in a positive way, sometimes in a way that hurts so much, I weep all over again. Even today, while walking, I was sad because I realized that as much as I want this year to be over, 2021 will also be the first full year without Kim. If only she could have seen what’s to come.
Sadness is ok. And even though I am god awful ugly when I cry, sometimes you just have to have a good cry and sit with your feelings. Don’t drink them away, smoke them away, fuck them away, sit, acknowledge, fully feel. I had to learn this lesson over and over again. First with Kim, then with the loss of many celebrity legends and heros, then with various social injustices, then when I crashed my car, then again when my Grandfather passed in October, then with a breakup (a loose term). This year I learned to fully feel my sadness, and acknowledge the validity of my feelings.
I learned to appreciate things I never really acknowledged before. I discovered trails by my house that I never knew were there even though I’ve lived here for three years. I spent so much time in the woods, on mountains and by the ocean this year, and I am eternally grateful for that. I’m so glad I live in a place where nature is so close and all around. I made my home my sanctuary and embraced every crooked panel and squeaky floor board. I made an effort to connect with friends and family through social media and facetime and lord knows I am grateful for the amazing people in my life who helped me through this awful year.
Finally, I’ve learned to be intentional. Be intentional about what you say, what you consume (both from a food, nutritional stand point, but also educationally – what you’re watching reading, etc). Be intentional about what you think. You can’t control every thought that appears in your concsious awareness, but you can acknowledge which thoughts you wish to respond to and repeat.
So as the clock ticks and people celebrate the end of a very long and tiring year, I will be intentional in my non-resolution. I will take what I was taught this year and apply it to next. I will allow myself to feel sad (or happy or frustrated or angry whatever), I will appreciate every day and I will be intentional. And I hope you are too. Happy New Year!
Erin A Clark 