thirty

Thirty…..t h i r t y 

I’ve been rolling this word off my tongue over the last few days. Thirty. 30 years alive. Three decades on this planet. I think if I were turning thirty any other year, I’d be in a bit of melt down mode. Maybe I’d throw a big party for myself – ballgowns and champagne. There’d definitely be dancing and maybe tequila too.  I’d probably get a bit too drunk and cry about how I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything. How I’m not where I “should” be. How I’m thirty and single, no house, no baby – all the things I never thought I’d still be saying at thirty. 

But I’ve already done all that. I did that when I turned 25 and took all the feelings and stress about being a young adult and I put it in a book. I already had a pity party and a sob fest after breakups and took all that stress and sadness and packed it away in many suitcases for vacations and adventures where I learn so much about myself. I did that again at 28 when I was newly single and feeling sad. But I’m not sad about this birthday.  I have accomplished so much. So I’m not using my pity party card. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself for not having what I thought I should have. But it’s not even about accomplishments. It’s just that the things I stressed about when I was in my early twenties and even a year ago, do not matter.  

It does not matter how many relationships I’ve been in or why I’m not in one now. This year taught me to appreciate everything. The good, the bad and the ugly. 

If I hadn’t experienced everything I experienced this year, it’d be a different story. I would have felt defeated by the number. I would have gone into the land of the shoulds- where you question where you are and compare what you “should” have done or said. I should have a house by now, I should have found my partner by now.  But I’ve already done that. Been there, done that. And honestly, it’s an exhausting place to be. I’m tired of comparing my life and my experiences to that of my friends or random people on the internet. 

2020 came in like a fucking wrecking ball. I said “last year of my 20s here I come!” and the universe had a different story. I’ve shared on this blog before some of what I went through.  In short, it was the worst year of my entire existence. Starting off with watching australia burn, then the pandemic hit and along came everything that comes with a global pandemic (i.e fear). Then in April, a dear friend took her own life. Then I got fired (from a job I hated and was planning to quit a month later but still). Then I cried and marched with most of America as we saw social injustices left and right. Then I was in a car crash. Then I entered into a brief but entirely chaotic situationship and essentially went through a break up. Then my grandfather passed. Not to be morbid here, but some days, I am surprised I’m still here. Like, how is it possible for a person to go through alllll of that in one year, and still be here? The answer to that is, I don’t know. I just kept going, one day at a time.  I think that’s why I’m feeling ready for this new decade, new season of my life. The storm has passed and everything is destroyed, now what? I don’t have a choice but to keep going. I’m no longer focusing on surviving – because I’ve proved to myself over the last year that I can survive anything. I can go through tragedy, and heartbreak, and anger, and uncertainty and fear, and I’ll be ok. This year proved that I can do it all on my own. But I’m learning now that maybe I don’t need to do it all on my own.  

So what does thirty bring? Healing. Happiness. If something doesn’t bring me joy, it’s not worth my time.  Life is too short to not be happy. I’m not mad about turning 30, or as upset as I might have been had I not lived through this year. I now see it as an honor. I get to age. I get to figure it out. I get to keep going. 

Entering this new decade, I feel a strong sense of peace. I will be ok. Whatever happens, I will be ok. 

I’ve been paying attention to my self talk. I’m being gentle with myself after a long time of words coated with ice. Now I know what i’m capableof handling, I’m ready for how good it could get. I’m excited to meet this new, mature, grounded, healed Erin. 

And yesterday, on my actual birthday, I felt so loved. I received many calls, many texts and facebook messages. Simple messages meant a lot. I’m grateful for it all. I’m grateful I was able to rest and take some time for myself, after a day of going out with my cousins and friends. 

I enjoyed the sunshine and went for a walk. On my normal neighborhood loop, I noticed everyone was out, also enjoying the beautiful day. As I passed one house, I noticed the beautiful purple croqueses. A little girl, maybe 4 or 5, came up to me and handed me a freshly picked purple flower. It was so sweet. I told her it was my birthday and she said “really?!” and could tell it absolutely made my day. I thanked her and introduced myself, she said her name was Selena, such a beautiful name for a sweet girl. Walking back, I cried a little. I was just so happy to have experienced this small moment of beauty. How lucky am I to be surrounded by magic and love. 

So with these signs of magic and love all around me, I’m ready. Ready for whatever comes my way this decade. Ready to be the best version of me, now thirty years old.