Back Again

I haven’t written in a while. Mostly because I don’t feel I have done anything note worthy, which isn’t entirely true.

I’ve written about this feeling before. This feeling of non-accomplishment resonates again. The world has started back up again and we are hurled into the grind. Despite the slow down of two years ago, the expectations are still there. Society tells us to “Get a new job, make more money, use any spare time you have to work, to hustle, to grind. Work, make more money, save your money, invest your money, but first learn about investing, everyone else is buying a house, oh you should have learned about mortgages 15 years ago, dont forget to compare yourself to everyone else who is also able to actually able to put away their laundry and remember to drink water.” It’s a lot. We feel that if we don’t accomplish everything on our to-do list and also survive in “unprecedented times” we have failed, at least I do. I’m sure other millenials agree.

I haven’t failed. At all. I have taken over a year and a half to step away from the grind, to slow down, to heal. This was some what intentional. I lost my job in April of 2020 and realized I could jump back into a stupid sales job right away or I could use that time as an opportunity to focus on myself. And while it seems like I haven’t done anything in the last few years, I have been working hard and healing myself. I’ve given myself space to recognize what I want (and what I don’t want) and learn that I am deserving of all of that. I was also healing (and still am) from grief and many, many changes in my personal life. I’m so glad I was afforded that time to rest and heal.

It wasn’t just a sad year of crying into my journal, although I cried more in the last 3 years of my life than all 27 prior. There were small moments of joy and other, much happier changes too. I found new hobbies and I explored interests I never really had before. I relished in my ability to wake up on a random tuesday and decide to go for a challenging, steep hike or go to the beach that day. I fell in love and am putting reciprocated effort into a new relationship.

I was able to do what I needed. My waitressing job paid the bills, almost. I wasn’t able to go on trips like I had done in the years past, but I was able to sleep in. I took an intentional step away from the grind, so that I could have a job that brought me very little stress. I thought by now my writing would have been discovered, but then that brings us back to the intro – I wasn’t writing anything. So I wasn’t monetizing my writing (like I had planned) and I wasn’t making enough as a waitress to have my personal goals realized. Something had to change.

I, once again, got a new job. I swore I’d never work a 9-5 again, but I’ve been lured in by a full-time salary and really good benefits. I’m once again a corporate sell-out.

I’m not failing by doing so. I’m taking an opportunity to increase my income so I can plan for a future that I want, that I deserve. I’m trying to remind myself that this is also temporary. Maybe within the first year I discover I’m really good in my role and I actually enjoy the full eight hour work day. Maybe I work at this company for three years and squirell away moeny for my future child’s tuition. Maybe I stay there after ten because the company is just that good and I love my coworkers. Who knows? And a more important question, who cares? What it comes down to is that this job is a great opportunity. And more importantly, it will provide what I need at this time in my life – financial stability.

So I’m stepping back into the hamster wheel of corporate sales, for now. I’m a bit nervous – I got quite used to sleeping in. But I am excited. I’m excited for opportunities. I’m excited for paychecks that will actually feel good to receive instead of relying on customers who don’t tip no matter how good their service is. I’m excited for something new. I will still be writing and attempting to monetize my writing but I will remember to step back, and rest when I need to rest.

I’m back to working full-time, but I’m going back recognizing the signs of burn out, learning from two years ago, remembering the small joys of my time off and I’m looking ahead.