The other day was hard. It’s harder to be when you feel that your time isn’t yours.
After not having health insurance for over a year, I finally scheduled a doctor’s visit. I don’t recommend doing that, by the way, your anxiety will increase simply because anytime anything happens with your body, you have to make the choice to ignore it or go to the doctor and be financially ruined, but here we are in America 2022. I was lucky enough to not have anything major go wrong with my health in the last year, but now that I had been at my new job for 30 days, I qualified for health insurance (a generous waiting period, as some corporations make you wait 60 or 90 days). I finally scheduled an appointment for a month out, like a self-sufficient adult.
Tuesday at 10:30 came faster than I had anticipated. I rushed to my appointment only to wait. The appointment that I had to use my PTO for. And the whole time I waited, all I did was stress about work. Then, after stressing about work, I went back to work and, you may have guessed it, stressed. I’m only a few months into this new job and I’m already wondering “Did I make the right choice?” “They approved my time off but what if I get back to my desk and they decide to fire me?” Why I had these rustling thoughts, I don’t know. Maybe it comes with being a millennial in a corporate setting.
I was also stressed at the idea of having to rush to appointments, use pto, go through the hassle of requesting time off and making up for the time that I missed for a full career. But, I reminded myself, many people do this, for many years. And they don’t have the option to take an hour off during the week to go to a doctor’s appointment. And they also have kids to take care of and cart around. And they also get stressed about getting everything done too.
So I’m not alone in this work-no life- balance. But it is not fun. When did we become so worried about our jobs that we forgot to live? As I was sitting at a red light, because you only get stuck at red lights when you’re in a rush, I thought I have to figure out how to make my own schedule again. And I will. For now, I’m at this 9-5. Maybe I’ll be her for a while, maybe a short time. But I will learn from it. Maybe I’ll learn to schedule appointments at the beginning of the month and not the end so I don’t have to rush back to hit my sales quota.
I also have to give myself a bit of credit. For someone who was so nervous that I wouldn’t be able to get anything done ever if I’m trapped at my desk, I sure have had a gret time enjoying my time lately. I’ve been maximizing my weekends and evenings. I’ve been cooking good meals and going on walks. In many ways, there is enough time. Just because I have to work at a computer all day to make money doesn’t mean I can’t fully enjoy the time that i’m not stuck behind that screen.
Erin A Clark 