I spent this rainy Satruday forcing myself to write and to create. We all know how things work when they are forced… So perhaps a better way to say how I spent my day is staring at a screen rearranging one thing then getting up to get a snack. Then getting another snack. Then scrolling my phone to avoid working. I even did laundry becuase that was absolutely more important than using my first free Saturday in weeks to work on the project I’ve been trying to work on for months.
Writers block comes from that same energy of “shoulding” all over yourself. When you work yourself up and hurt your own feelings by comparing yourself and expressing that you “should” be doing something different or you “should have” done something by now. It’s an icky feeling that follows you around even when you try to do everything to avoid it. And the feeling of finally willing youself to work only to have your brain feel completely empty is an insult from our subconscious. The only way to truly get out of this mindset is to just do the thing! I told myself I should practice what I preach and “just take action” On the count of thre 1…2….3 But I’ve been “busy.” Let me explain.
At the beginning of this year, I said to myself this was the year that I would FINALLY make substantial income from writing. This is the year that I step into my power and embrace myself and my true work. In January I went on a dream vacation with my best friend. In March I hired a coach to help me expand my mindset and re-wire my thoughts about money and abundance. I LOVED her. I loved her program and I loved how much I was learning and growing. In April I turned 32 and treated myself to tickets to Alaska, a bucket -list location for me.
Then, as I’ve written about in other posts and what usually happens when we say “I’m ready for more!” I got more, then I lost a lot. In June was scammed out of a pretty significant amount of money (if anyone sends you an instagram message stating that they want to use your picture and they’ll pay you for the rights to use it, block and report immediately. And do not send money to people you don’t know). A shitty situation, yes but I knew I’d get through it. Lesson learned, be more careful, obviously. And a few weeks after that I no longer had a job. Again, shitty situation, but I knew that I had been wanting to find a new job for months and that I was really unhappy in that work environment. So I say to myself that everything happens for a reason and I’ll have income again soon and that it’s not that big of a deal, I’m still safe, I still have a warm home, my bills are paid, for now, and the upcoming Alaska trip was already paid for. And where I was suddenly VERY budget-conscious, I immediately messaged my coach and asked what my options were because I definitley couldn’t stay in the high-level program I was in. She was very accomodating and allowed me to switch to a different course which is actually more aligned with what I wanted to do – create a digitial product that I can use to help Women become empowered and live their best lives! So then I thought, this is perfect! Now I have time to work on this, I’ll go to Alaska come back and just buckle down and get to work on this next project. Plus a trip will lead to creativity and inspiration!
In July I go to Alaska with 13 incredible women for an incredible hiking/ camping trip. Of course, I will write about this in other posts, I had the best time. Almost everything went exactly as I’d hoped it would, I saw so many beautiful things and created hilarious memories with new friends from all over the world. I had a few days to recover from that adventure and then in August, I started a new job. Again, I will write about this in other posts, I’m sure, but this new job is unlike any job I’ve had. I’m used to sales and customer service, this is more along the lines of social work. There’s no commission checks or reward trips but it’s a job that, hopefully, I can make a positive impact. And it’s a regular weekly paycheck, benefits etc. all the things that I need to continue to live my lifestyle of paying my rent and saving for trips. And I have more of a flexibile schedule – something that I haven’t had in years and genuinely miss, so I’ll be able to make time for writing.
I then used starting a new job and getting back into a routine as an excuse for not working on my goals. I hadn’t touched my project in weeks and the longer I went without working on it, the harder it became to sit down and write. I started dating again to curb the loneliness and the heavy feeling that comes with not doing something I said I was going to do. And I’m sure I’ll write about this in other posts too. I couldn’t work on my project, I was simply too busy getting ghosted, AGAIN. How could I teach women to know their full worth when I’m over here accepting the absolute bare minimun myself. Do you see how slippery this slope of writer’s block is? I listen to this thought and hesitate even longer. Until, here I am now, halfway through October with nothing to show for but an incomplete vision board.
So how did I overcome writer’s block? Did I ever work on that project? The answer is yes, I did, a bit. But the writer’s block isn’t totally conquered. I decided to work on this blog post instead. I’m still writing, I’m still creating, I’m now letting you know that I am working on a project. And I’m holding myself accountable, by sitting down and getting any writing done, the feeling of guilt I experience when I’m not writing is evaded, if only slightly. I’m adjusting my goals and giving myself grace. I’m not a millionaire from writing, YET, but I did write today (and I did laundry and went to the gym and made myself food, all of those things that are still wins, even if they’re small). And part of what I will teach – just do the thing you’re scared to do! – I can say confidently, and from experience, it works. For me, writing is not scary. I love to write and sometimes I even consider my writing to be good. What’s scary is sharing. What’s scary is feeling like others will judge my work or that it won’t help someone in some way. What’s worse, to me in this moment, is not trying. Am I at a level with my writing where I’m getting paid to write and to help others create the life they love? Not quite. But I’m working on it! Inch by inch I’m stepping closer to that goal. Even if it’s only to sit down and write SOMETHING
Erin A Clark 